Scent in the Wizard
by Sandbitter
Summary: The title above was made by a book title generator. Why do you need a good book title anyway? JUST READ IT! Rated T just in case and little kiddy winks want to read this story riddled with foul language. This story is not for younglings.
1. Chapter 1

Hello, my name is Evelyn. I have dark brown hair, pale skin, and light blue eyes. I have dark brown curly hair that is big, fluffy and fucking wonderful. I'm am an 18 year old girl. Oh, and to answer your question, no I won't.

And why yes, I do have friends actually you dickhead. I actually am one of Doctor Who's companions.

Yeah, you didn't misread that.

I also hang out with a woman named Clara Oswald. Occasionally I hang out with this dumb bitch named Amy Pond, but that is a story for another time.

Even though they're assholes and I cannot trust them and I bloody hate them and they do not seem to like me all that much, they're still my best friends.

Anyways, there was this fucking bitch named Rose who used to be the Doctor's companian but she went missing. And I'm not really sure what the plot is going to be here and neither do you. I shall just make this up as I go along, since I am the one writing this piece of work and not you.

We shall start the story now...

DISCLAIMER: By the way, no animals, plants, drugs or beings of any kind were harmed in the making of this story BECAUSE IT IS FICTIONAL YOU FOOL!


	2. Chapter 2

Me and Clara were hanging out on a Tuesday when that Amy Pond came over that day, man she's a fucking bitch. I do not like her very much. She rang the doorbell and Clara had to answer because I fucking hate Rose so fucking much.

I went downstairs and said, "Hey Rose" with a fake fucking smile.

"Hey!" she said happily, although she didn't know that I hated her. Man, she was so ugly. Blonde fugly bitch.

Me, Clara and Rose were sitting on my bed talking about aliens and shit. Suddenly Rose's phone beeped. She looked at it and got all happy.

"What the fuck are you happy about Rose?" I said, upset that Rose was so happy over something.

"Oh my boyfriend is coming over! Oh my god, you guys are going to love him!" she squealed in excitement. Then she rushed downstairs and watched the window out front, waiting for her fucking boyfriend (who has no taste btw) to come.

Finally a really nice sports car showed up outside and OMG THE FUCKING SEXIEST MAN EVAH CAME UP TO THE DOOR! I went downstairs immediately to greet him and to get him to see the light.

He was 6'3 and the hottest guy TO EVER LIVE!

"This is my boyfriend," Roe said holding his hand.

I gasped when I saw him. He was so hot! Spitting image of David Tenant. How did fucking bitch Rose land him? OMG I was so jealous!

We talked to him and I stared at him the whole time, picturing him naked.

When he left, I put Rose in her fucking place. "No seriously Rose! He is sooooo fucking sexy! Oh my god, I really hope you're getting on that. You'd better fucking be-" I started to hump the air but I was interrupted by Clara frantically covering my mouth. She dragged me out of the room.

"What?" I said as we got out.

"Oh my god Evelyn, you are so fucking embarrassing!" Clara yelled at me traumatized.

"Whatevs," I said. Then I went back up to the room. Then I masturbated.

After Bitch Rose was done screwing David Tenant we mapped out our plans.

"When are we going to map out the plans?" I asked.

"Matt and Luke are doing it upstairs," Natalie said. (Matt and Luke are our slave aliens by the way.)

"Matt and Luke are doing it? Oh, that makes sense!" I said with a giggle.

Rose walked in. "What's going on?" she asked.

"Oh, Matt and Luke are upstairs doing it," I informed her. We all laughed.


	3. Chapter 3

The next day, the three of us were planning a nationality rave. Then I went to the park.

Okay so a few weeks ago I met this sexy-ass motherfucker and it all started when I was in a park with a lot of trees in it.

I was sitting at the bottom of a linden tree reading Cosmopolitan and I was reading a really fucking sexy article about penises and I got really turned on. Suddenly I licked my lips and looked up from the magazine.

My eyes met with the gorgeous sexy blue eyes of a really sexy young boy in his early twenties. He had a sexy tan. He was a brunette. He was so hot. He smiled at me with his perfect, straight, white teeth. He suddenly got up and slowly walked towards me. His stride was mesmerizing.

My mouth opened wide as he strutted towards me. Then he said, "Hey, what's your name?"

I fainted.

He woke me up with his sexiness. I nearly fainted **again** but I did not. But then we started banging underneath the linden tree.

Afterwards he zipped up his pants. And then he handed it to me. It was a slip of paper with his name and number on it.

I proceeded to go home floating on a cloud, not literally though because that would be physically impossible you imbecile.

Since then he has been frequently visiting my house and we have been having sexual intercourse. He also has really large genitalia. He's soooo hot.


	4. Chapter 4

"Man, I can't find anybody to housesit my house while I'm away on business!" Doctor Who complained one day when me, Rose, him and Clara were eating dinner together. We all stopped eating and gasped. Then everybody in the restaurant gasped.

"Yeah, I'm sorry man but me and Clara are going to a music festival together," Rose told him.

"Fuck it," he snapped angrily.

"And I can't house sit for you either Doctor Who. I'm going to be with my new boyfriend person all weekend," I told him.

"Uhh, I don't really want you house sitting for me anyway Evelyn, you might get cum all over it," he said to me. That statement really angered me.

"Oh well idiot _as if_ you don't!" I cried out.

"Yeah well it's my house bitch," he cheekily quipped right back at me.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Listen idiot, I can SO housesit for you! Just fucking watch me!"

"I CAN'T WATCH YOU BECAUSE I WILL BE GONE FOOL!" he yelled out. Everybody in the fancy steakhouse stared at us. I just stuck my tongue out at them.

A few hours after I got home, he texted me saying that I was his only choice. I firmly accepted the offer.


	5. Chapter 5

That Friday morning I headed on over to his manor with my Louis Vuitton duffel bag filled with my shit.

"Hey Evelyn, are you sure you're going to be okay all here by yourself?" Doctor Who asked me concerned.

"Yeah of course! Believe me, I can definitely handle my own!" I replied confidently. He still looked worried and looked around his house in dread.

"Um okay? Are you sure? Because no offense, but you're a bit retarded," he said.

"Shut up cunt! Hey did you leave any emergency numbers?" I asked him.

"Yeah they're on the fridge," he said pointing to them, "Oh and don't screw one of your stupid boyfriends when I am gone!"

"Oh I won't," I lied. He then picked up his little dog to take to the kennel. He then left me so trustingly. I almost felt guilty. _Almost,_ oh but I didn't. And that is why I had the audacity to call up the really smoking hot sexy guy that I met the other day. Haha, aren't I just the worst?

He then came over to the mansion and we copulated all over the fucking place. Then as sunset approached I forced him to leave.

"Wait? What? Please, can I stay?" he begged.

"No!" I yelled out. Then he left and I slammed the door shut behind him.

I was now in the large home all alone for the night. I could do this! I am a very independent person believe or not, I can just be a little bit clumsy at times.

I was innocently watching "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" in the front room, (which is a television show by the way you buffoon).

Then I was in the middle of watching a fight between Kourtney and Scott when I when I saw it on the ground and screamed bloody murder. There was a large cockroach crawling on the ground in front of me! Normally I would have asked somebody else to get it for me, but nobody else was there because I was in the home alone.

I ran straight out of the room, but I would be in this house in fear until I killed that cockroach. I grabbed the newspaper and then I went for it.

I went into the living room where the stupid-ass cockroach was and I prepared my arsenal. I swooped in suddenly and determinedly.

I picked up the cockroach with my newspaper, and I was squealing as I did it. "EW EW EEWWWWW!"

All of the sudden, I heard a buzzing sound and I screamed when the bastard cockroach suddenly flew into my face.

"AAAHHHHH!" I screamed. "NOOOOOOO! IT FLIIIEEEES!"

I ran out of the house and down the street and around the block. I was so fucking scared.

After about 10 minutes I walked back. I saw a police car outside of the front of the house. A police officer was knocking on my front door and seemed like he was planning to knock it down.

"Hey police officer! What the fuck are you doing outside of my house?" I asked him angrily.

"We were called in after a neighbour heard a girl shrieking," he said all professional-like.

"Yeah fucking right! AS IF I was that loud!" I yelled at him.

"That's exactly why I am here darling," he said.

"Man, sorry my stupid fucking neighbours called you guys and wasted your damn time! They have real sensitive delicate ears I guess," I said with a chuckle.

"Yes, they are pussies," he said. He then drove away eating a doughnut.

I then got into my pajamas, went back into my house and went to bed.

I woke up in the middle of the night and heard the sound of a large rock being thrown at my bedroom window.

"What the fuck is it now?" I yelled angrily. I looked outside and I saw Ian or Roger or Adam or whatever the fuck his name was outside of the bedroom window in the front yard.

He was carrying a large boombox in his arms with his strong sexy arms. He looked so romantic, but it was the modern day age. What the fuck was he doing?

He then started playing "Numa Numa" and singing along to it. I slammed the window shut angrily. Why the fuck would he wake me up at these delicate hours? How DARE he! I was so angry. I then went back to bed.


	6. Chapter 6

That morning I woke up out of my bed. I went to fucking McDonald's for breakfast that fucking morning because that motherfucker fucking cockroach was still there. Ugh I hate cockroaches. I didn't even know that they flew until last night.

Once I got back with a bloated stomach I took out my cell phone and called up him. He came over and we had sex again.

Once we were done, I looked up into his sexy blue eyes. Man, he was so handsome.

"Okay dude, don't get me wrong, you're like sexy and fun and all, but I find this whole you-coming-to-my-house-fucking-me-then-leaving-thing like really disparaging to my soul," I told him, "We need more variety in this."

"Oh really?" he asked all surprised.

"Yeah, can we do something else please?" I requested. He looked away from me for a bit but then once he faced me again he smiled.

We got in his ah-mazing redtotallysuperduperreallyexpensivesexysportscar and he drove us to his big mansion, (haha you jelly yet?). It was so big! We then went into the 2,000 square foot master bedroom and engaged in coitus on the bed. I then masturbated his fellatio and he proceeded to ejaculate on my face.

After the sort-of-date was over, Ian drove me home in his ohsosupersexyredcarthatlookedreallyniceandexpensiveandithinkitmighthavebeenaferraributimnotsure. I'm not that into cars you see.

It was amazing! This was perfect! I looked over at him. This was the first time I had ever really talked to the guy. He actually had a really great personality, and a sexy smile. It was all SO perfect! Well it WAS until I dropped my iPhone..It made a loud thud as it fell on to the floor and it fell down behind his seat. And it was right after I had sent an important text to my BFF Natalie! He NEEDED to stop the car.

"Hey Ian, can you get-" My sentence was cut off because the moment he heard that, he sort of gasped and lost control of the steering wheel, and then slammed on the brakes in total shock.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU DICK HEAD?!" I shrieked at him.

"Oh...my...god..." he said to himself as he slammed his forehead on the idle steering wheel.

"WHAT?"

"MY NAME IS GREG YOU IDIOT!" he yelled at me.

"Well, well now, let's try to use nicer words here!" I said trying to calm him down.

"OH MY GOD, HOW THE HELL DO YOU NOT KNOW MY BLOODY NAME? WE HAVE BEEN DATING FOR A MONTH!" he shrieked in complete disbelief.

"Okay, okay! Look, I understand why you're mad but seriously it so not my fault!" I explained to him as calmly as I could, (which I guess was not really all that calm because then he got even angrier).

"How the fuck is this MY FAULT you dumb bitch?!" he asked me.

"Oh my god, seriously? Why are you mad at me? Don't take it personally, I'm just like really, really bad with names! You never even told me your name bastard! And I never asked because people get like all fucking mad at me when I've known them for more than like, two weeks, and I ask them what their name is! And plus, our whole entire relationship has consisted of us going to each each other's houses and hooking up, it's not like we really cared what each other's names are!" I started crying.

"Yeah you're right bitch. It's not like we can discuss day-to-day topics when your tongue is halfway down my fucking throat YOU SLUT!" he shouted angrily.

"Whatever asshole, just keep on driving!" I said with tears running down my face. He got out of the car and opened the passenger side door.

"Come on, do you even know my name?"

"GET THE HELL OUT OF THE CAR EVELYN!" he ordered me as he threw my iPhone at me. I walked on out into the cold night back to the doctor's house.

That was the end of that one. Oops.

I went back to Doctor whos house all by myself. Whatever, Ian had a small penis anyways.

Then I heard a knock on my door and answered it. Greg was standing there and then he took off his head.

It was revealed that he was an alien!

He had green scarlet skin and he looked really gross. He had a hideous address on that looked like something Stella McCartney would design. He also looked very angry.

I screamed and slammed the door and phoned Doctor Who. I was so scared!


	7. Chapter 7

He answered and kindly said hello.

"Doctor doctor, YOU NEED TO HELP ME! PLEASE!" I yelled.

"What is it dear?" he replied.

"Ok so I got with this guy I liked, then I was driving back home from one of our dates andI was talking to him and I called him Ian and then he got all mad and then he said that his name was Greg and then he kicked me out of the car and I walked back on over to your house and then the doorbell rang and I answered and it was him and then he took off this mask and revealed THE HE IS AN GREEN ANGRY GREEN ALIEN!" I explained.

All the Doctor did was groan, "That is what you get for being a whoring idiot! I never liked you very much anyways, and quite frankly I don't care if your little green alien date fucking eats you because you bloody well deserve it you fecking eejit!"

"Please please please help!" I begged.

"No," he promptly responded, laughing as he hanged up the phone.

Then I called up Rose.

"Hello?" she answered.

"Hey Rose, I need your help!" I said.

"Shut up, I do not like you," she said back.

"Please! I'm begging you!" I pleaded.

"Fine!" she exclaimed, "Meet me in the Tardis."

"Okay!" I said.

I then went into the basement and went into the Tardis. I pressed the keycode and went inside it and saw Rose.

"Alright, what did you do you knobhead?" she asked angrily.

"Okay so I was on this date with this guy and as we were driving back in his sports car I asked him to get me something and I called him Ian and then he got all mad and said he was Greg and he called me stupid-"

"He's right you now!" she interrupted me evilly.

"Shut up cunt. Anyways he kicked me out of his car because he sucks balls and then I had to walk home and then I heard a knock on my doorstep and I went out and he was there. I though he was going to apologize but he didn't. Instead he went off to his head and revealed that he was an alien! A green scary alien!" I said crying.

"So?" she said sassily with her hand on her hips.

"SO! He knows Doctor's Who's Address!" I exclaimed.

"Fine, we'll defeat him," she got out a shot-pistol gun.

"NOOOO! You cannot defeat him using that you amateur! You must use your smarts to defeat him!" I told her.

"Fine!" she said and then she put away the rifle.

"What do we do?" she asked.

"I have an idea!" I said.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	8. Chapter 8

"What we must do is defeat the alien by using our minds!" I exclaimed.

"What?" Rose asked.

"Non-violently I mean," I said, "We must spy on him, find out what he does day-by-day and then go up on him when he least expects it!"

"And how shall we do that?" Rose asked.

"Oh I will invite him over and attach a camera on to him," I said, "Then when he least expects it we shall kill him in a private place!" I yelled.

Rose rolled her eyes, "Fine, as long as you're the one who gets killed and not me."

"NOOOOO! WERE KILLING THE ALIEN!" I screamed in agony.

"Fine!" Rose pouted. She then went downstairs and called up The Doctor and had him come over. Clara came over as well.

I woke up the next morning to an amazing smell of a certain chocolate-laden dessert cooking up in the kitchen. I rushed downstairs excitedly. Clara was baking a chocolate cake!

"Yum! Smells great Clara!" I said.

"Thanks! It won't be ready for about another 20 minutes though hun," she said.

"Okay, make sure you save two slices for me please! I'm gonna go do my makeup and my hair," I said. I happily skipped upstairs.

Two hours later I excitedly went downstairs, expecting a mouthful of delicious chocolate cake…..Then I saw it.

The wide, circular silver cake dish no longer had a full chocolate cake on it. All that was left of the magnificent, freshly cooked slab of chocolate-filled delicacy was a few crumbs. I was so angry.

"BASTARDS! I WILL KILL YOU!" I yelled angrily.

Doctor Who then looked up and said, "Sorry Evelyn….it's just that you were really late and it was just so-"

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!" I screamed angrily at them. I then stomped my foot on the ground so hard, I was surprised my ankle did not snap in half. I don't know why he even bothered trying to apologize.

I could hear muffled laughter coming from the table.

I stormed towards the table. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU FUCKERS LAUGHING AT?"

"Evelyn! Calm the fuck down you crazy bitch!" The Doctor told me. It was as if the fool thought that I would listen.

The Doctor and Clara were now full-blown laughing at me. I began to cry.

I marched on over to The Doctor, stood in front of him and looked him straight in the eyes.

"LISTEN ASSHOLE, I AM NOT 'OVERDRAMATIC' OR A 'CRAZY BITCH'. I AM JUST PASSIONATE! GOT THAT PUNK?" I ordered him.

He erupted into a fit of laughter.

"YOU GUYS ARE HORRIBLE!" I cried out sadly. I then stormed off. When I got up to my room, I could hear them still laughing.

I was up inside my room bawling my eyes out when I heard a knock on my door.

"No..NO! I am fucking tired of being the laughing stock here! I am tired of being made fun of by you fuckers!" I cried out.

"Aw come on! You pretty much ask for it!" The Doctor said laughing.

"No I don't! I'm tortured here! You all just bully me!"

"No you're not you overdramatic prima donna," Doctor Who told me.

"GO AWAY! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!" I screamed. I ran down the stairs and tripped. I fell down and immediately got back up once I got to the bottom. You know, I trip and fall down so often I am now just used to falling and getting back up.

I ran out into the woods sobbing. I slipped on the wet grass but then I just got back up again LIKE A FUCKING CHAMP. I ran around the surrounding woods for 20 minutes, and then I went back inside.

I went inside the house to see Doctor Who crying his eyeballs out.

"What is wrong?" I asked.

"My yorkie Trina is missing!" he wailed. The Doctor had bought himself a teacup yorkshire terrier earlier that week. He's a bit of a pantywaist, (Does that sound familiar to you guys?)

"OH NOOOO!" I cried out.

I then joined the search party to find her as Doctor Who went up the glass staircase.

"Trina? Yoo-hoooo? Where are you?" I asked desperately. Then I heard the shower on! I figured that the little doggy must've been taking a shower!

I went up the steps and went into the bathroom and opened up the shower curtain. Only it was not the dog, it was...

DOCTOR WHO! He squeaked when he saw me. He tried to cover his ding dong with his hands but it was too big to cover up! Then I went back downstairs.

Eventually Matt and Luke found the little dog ran over by a car. Oh poo!

AN: This fanfiction is "bad" you say? "Irrelevant to the original" you say? At least I'm creative! Why I bet all of you reading this in are amongst those mediocre writers who follow the draconian story mark! Aw, you probably don't know what I'm talking about, do you? Too bad :)


	9. Chapter 9

When it was time for our plan to be executed, The Doctor, Clara and Rose went into hiding. I invited "Greg" over for sex.

He came home, seemingly unaware that he had revealed himself an alien to me in the past. He came to the house and we had sex and I stuck a video camera in his "forbidden area". He didn't notice because he's stoopid.

Then he left and I went to the Tardis where Doctor Who, Rose and Amy were watching Greg's daily life on a Mac, (you know, that computer thingamajig that you probably do not have because you don't have style).

We saw him drive down the street in his ohstillsosuperfuckingsexyredsportscarthatisOMGhotterthanthetardis!

Then we saw him go into Walmart on 42nd street! (That is a street in his town by the way. You have no IDEA where the Walmart I'm talking about is; so you can't come and visit loser!)

We snuck in there in clever disguises. We made ourselves look like fat pigs so we would fit in there. We carried out the plan.

We were walking through, when suddenly...I knocked over a lipgloss display! I tried frantically to pick it all up, but then Rose glared at me, as though she thought I was annoying, and I quickly ran away from the scene.

AN: Why! If you have made it this far into my deeply offensive insults, then you MUST love me! Of course, I don't blame you! Well, at this point you might as well just keep on reading, you've probably lost about every splicking ounce of your precious pride by now! Don't worry, you can cry yourself to sleep now. Nobody's watching you. :)


End file.
